Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Top 25 Changes The Media Would Make To The Catholic Church

Go with me for a moment, deep into your imagination, and try to imagine what the Catholic Church would look like if the media was in charge of it...

Top 25 Changes The Media Would Make To The Catholic Church:
  • 25 - Women priests (but they must always wear approved vestments).
  • 24 - Same-sex Marriages are fine as long as only one bride's mother is involved at a time.
  • 23 - Abortions are only approved in cases of rape, incest, teenage pregnancy, and if you are a woman who is pregnant.
  • 22 - Contraception suggested for married couples (and required for non-married couples).
  • 21 - The Eucharist now comes in Honey Wheat, Whole Grain, Avocado and Rice flavors.
  • 20 - No more need to confess your sins just ask an advice columnist to solve your issues in order to overcome your guilt.
  • 19 - Pope is elected - never mind - no more Pope. But, Bishops are elected by popular vote after the final episode of "So You Think You Can Run An (Arch)Diocese?"
  • 18 - Simple majority decides doctrine and all doctrine is optional.
  • 17 - The Bible is now officially interpreted by the Magisterium of Me, Myself, and I.
  • 16 - No more talk of Hell or the Devil. As if they really exist.
  • 15 - The only sin is telling someone they have sinned (oops, I just sinned).
  • 14 - Bishops now dress in slacks (or pant-suits), priests in jeans (or skirts), and the congregation can "come as you are - on a beach after sweating all day"
  • 13 - Jesus was a super-nice guy, though he bought into some cultural lies of his times, but he ain't God.
  • 12 - Latin Schmatin.
  • 11 - Who needs tax exempt status? Not the Catholic Church.
  • 10 - All theologians are allowed to make it up as they go.
  • 9 - Justice, however the United Nations defines it, is now the main thrust of the Catholic Church.
  • 8 - Canon Law will now be called "Canon Advice".
  • 7 - In order to make Parishes more welcoming, we will call them "Centers of Loving Care and Hope".
  • 6 - The preferred music at "worship services" includes songs from U2 and Lady Gaga.
  • 5 - Church buildings will now resemble movie theaters and be called "Supplication Stations".
  • 4 - Religious Education is to focus on self-esteem, crafts, and the environment. It will now be called "The Art of Being Ready for Encountering That Which May or May Not Be".
  • 3 - The Roman Collar is to be replaced with the Butterfly Collar.
  • 2 - Father, Son, and Spirit are now Parent, Child, and Essence.
  • 1 - Catholic Schools will now be called "Inclusive Pods of Re-education". They will use the Pelosian-mandated Model of Edumacasion.
What others changes do you see?


Kristan said...

Confirmation will be preceded by a red-carpet entrance hosted by Ryan Seacrest.

Nathan said...

Or they could just change the name to the Anglican Church and be done with it.