Thursday, April 7, 2011

Ten Strange Bible Verses

Some are taken out of context, some have no context, some are funny, some are just straight out of left field. This is not meant to make fun of the written Word of God, rather, it is to show that there are some times Christians need to laugh at themselves.

2 verses From the "I would rather not have heard this" category (AKA - OUCH):

10 - "No one whose testicles have been crushed or whose penis has been cut off may be admitted into the community of the LORD." - Deut 23:2

9 - "Saul commanded them to say this to David: "The king desires no other price for the bride than the foreskins of one hundred Philistines, that he may thus take vengeance on his enemies." Saul intended in this way to bring about David's death through the Philistines. When the servants reported this offer to David, he was pleased with the prospect of becoming the king's son-in-law. (Before the year was up,) David made preparations and sallied forth with his men and slew two hundred Philistines. He brought back their foreskins and counted them out before the king, that he might thus become the king's son-in-law. So Saul gave him his daughter Michal in marriage." - 1 Sam 18: 25-27

Two verses from the "ew" files:

8 - "Ehud went in to him where he sat alone in his cool upper room, Ehud said, "I have a message from God for you." So the king rose from his chair, and then Ehud with his left hand drew the dagger from his right thigh, and thrust it into Eglon's belly. The hilt also went in after the blade, and the fat closed over the blade because he did not withdraw the dagger from his body." - Judges 3:20-22

7 - "He said to Jacob, "Let me gulp down some of that red stuff; I'm starving."" - Gen 25:30

Two from the "don't tell my wife I posted this" file:

6 - "For a persistent leak on a rainy day the match is a quarrelsome woman. He who keeps her stores up a stormwind; he cannot tell north from south." - Pro 27: 15-16

5 - "Ah, you are beautiful, my beloved, ah, you are beautiful! Your eyes are doves behind your veil. Your hair is like a flock of goats streaming down the mountains of Gilead. Your teeth are like a flock of ewes to be shorn, which come up from the washing, All of them big with twins, none of them thin and barren." - Song of Songs 4: 1-2

2 from the "yes that is in the Bible" file:
4 - "When the ass saw the angel of the LORD there, she cowered under Balaam. So, in anger, he again beat the ass with his stick. But now the LORD opened the mouth of the ass, and she asked Balaam, "What have I done to you that you should beat me these three times?" "You have acted so willfully against me," said Balaam to the ass, "that if I but had a sword at hand, I would kill you here and now."" - Numb 22: 27-29

3 - "From there Elisha went up to Bethel. While he was on the way, some small boys came out of the city and jeered at him. "Go up, baldhead," they shouted, "go up, baldhead!" The prophet turned and saw them, and he cursed them in the name of the LORD. Then two she-bears came out of the woods and tore forty-two of the children to pieces." - 2 Kings 2: 23-24

Lastly, two from the "um k" file:
2 - "But the commander replied, "Was it to you and your master that my lord sent me to speak these words? Was it not rather to the men sitting on the wall, who, with you, will have to eat their own excrement and drink their own urine?"" - Isaiah 36: 12

1 - "The LORD said to me: Go buy yourself a linen loincloth; wear it on your loins, but do not put it in water. I bought the loincloth, as the LORD commanded, and put it on. A second time the word of the LORD came to me thus: Take the loincloth which you bought and are wearing, and go now to the Parath; there hide it in a cleft of the rock. Obedient to the LORD'S command, I went to the Parath and buried the loincloth. After a long interval, he said to me: Go now to the Parath and fetch the loincloth which I told you to hide there. Again I went to the Parath, sought out and took the loincloth from the place where I had hid it. But it was rotted, good for nothing! Then the message came to me from the LORD: Thus says the LORD: So also I will allow the pride of Judah to rot, the great pride of Jerusalem." -Jer 13: 1-9


Devin Rose said...

My favorite is the account of Sarah and Abraham when the angels visit and tell him he and Sarah will conceive, and Sarah (off to the side) laughs.

Then when the angel of the Lord says to her Why did you laugh don't you believe that God can do this? she says that she didn't laugh and then the Lord says "Yes, you did." Everytime that verse is read during Mass I chuckle.

elizabeth said...

This is why kids should have to read the Bible. If they know this stuff is in there, they'll WANT to read it. I remember some of these stories from my childhood as a Lutheran.

I will admit, however, that when I taught the Philistine foreskin story to my 6th graders at our parish school, I glossed over that part......